Local Evening News Substitute
Does this sound familiar? You spend a little too long in the shower, or you receive a poorly-timed phone call, or you black out and wake up hours later in the neighbor’s hydrangeas dressed like the Burger King, with no recollection of how you got there, only to discover to your chagrin that you have missed the Local Evening News, again. And now all those people who did see it have got the edge on you. They’re chugging down the Information Superhighway while you’re sitting over in the emergency lane with smoke pouring out from under the hood. Yes, my friend, they know things that you don’t, and it won’t be long before they start using it against you, and soon they’ll have taken all your stuff, and you’ll have nothing left to live for.
You’d probably prefer that that didn’t happen, and so would the good folks at LENScorp. That’s why we put our best people to work on the problem, and now they’ve come up with a way for you to have your evening news and miss it too. We call it Local Evening News Substitute (LENS) and we’re pretty excited about it. And I think you will be too, once you have the facts, and assuming you’ve got a lick of sense.
What we’ve done is to carefully analyze local news broadcasts for the last 10 years using the latest in quantum nanocryptoscatological techniques, originally developed by NASA, the NSA, and the SSA, to come up with a scientifically formulated supplement that contains all the essential ingredients of the local evening newscast in a highly concentrated and easily swallowed form. Now you can get your local evening news whenever it’s most convenient for you, and because it’s been refined and distilled into a 30:1 extract you can get through the whole thing in a minute, leaving you more time to spend with your family. Or to sit alone in the dark drinking Everclear. With Local Evening News Substitute it’s your choice! So open wide, and prepare yourself for a brand new news experience. Here’s a sample to get you started:
Generic Reporter: We begin tonight’s coverage with this exclusive report on a frightening situation that developed in a northwest Phoenix neighborhood earlier today, as police attempted to arrest this woman, 54-year-old Jane Generic, who was reportedly operating a meth lab in a trailer home containing 117 cats, many of them underfed and in generally poor health. A 7-hour standoff ended when the woman emerged from the home covered with cat feces and was tasered several times by a police officer who has since been suspended for allegedly soliciting sex from a teenage drunk driver. We’re not clear on the details at this point, but somehow the woman managed to elude police and carjacked a van loaded with illegal immigrants. She then proceeded to lead police on a wild high-speed chase on Valley freeways, apparently unconcerned about gas prices, which remain at record high levels, with ozone in the unhealthy range for the fourth day in a row. The chase came to an abrupt halt when the woman swerved to avoid a puppy duct-taped to the highway, drove the van into a flooded wash and had to be rescued by a helicopter. One witness at the scene told our camera crew that it was the most exciting thing he had seen since Suns guard Steve Nash’s high-octane performance against the San Antonio Spurs in Friday night’s NBA semifinals. The 12-day old puppy was rescued by police and taken to a local animal shelter, where he remains in guarded condition. This is Generic Reporter, reporting live from northwest Phoenix.
Generic Anchorwoman: That’s quite a story, Generic Reporter. Do we know anything more tonight about the fate of that puppy?
Generic Reporter: Well, Generic Anchorwoman, police officials tell us that the puppy had sustained several superficial stab wound and both his ears had been cut off, but it looks like he’s going to make a full recovery, and already the shelter has received 1,648 calls from people wanting to adopt the little fellow.
Generic Anchorwoman: That’s wonderful Generic Reporter-- we certainly wish the little guy the best. He’s so cute!
Generic Anchorman: Well, you probably wouldn’t cut the ears off a puppy, but how about your own ears? That’s exactly what many Valley residents are doing. A new form of plastic surgery called hyperplastic ear reduction, or HER, promises to erase years from your appearance by removing up to 60 percent of your ears. But is this new procedure the Fountain of Youth or just another scheme to prey on the elderly? Our Investigators report on the latest trend in cosmetic surgery when we return.
Generic Weatherperson: And if you think that Paris Hilton is hot, just wait till you see what’s in store for our weather the next seven days. I’ll tell you just how bad it’s going to be—and we’ll check in on this week’s “Just Kill Us Now, Bellis”…after the break.
(Currently this product is only available for the Phoenix, AZ metropolitan area, but we hope to add other cities soon. Stay tuned for details.)
You’d probably prefer that that didn’t happen, and so would the good folks at LENScorp. That’s why we put our best people to work on the problem, and now they’ve come up with a way for you to have your evening news and miss it too. We call it Local Evening News Substitute (LENS) and we’re pretty excited about it. And I think you will be too, once you have the facts, and assuming you’ve got a lick of sense.
What we’ve done is to carefully analyze local news broadcasts for the last 10 years using the latest in quantum nanocryptoscatological techniques, originally developed by NASA, the NSA, and the SSA, to come up with a scientifically formulated supplement that contains all the essential ingredients of the local evening newscast in a highly concentrated and easily swallowed form. Now you can get your local evening news whenever it’s most convenient for you, and because it’s been refined and distilled into a 30:1 extract you can get through the whole thing in a minute, leaving you more time to spend with your family. Or to sit alone in the dark drinking Everclear. With Local Evening News Substitute it’s your choice! So open wide, and prepare yourself for a brand new news experience. Here’s a sample to get you started:
Generic Reporter: We begin tonight’s coverage with this exclusive report on a frightening situation that developed in a northwest Phoenix neighborhood earlier today, as police attempted to arrest this woman, 54-year-old Jane Generic, who was reportedly operating a meth lab in a trailer home containing 117 cats, many of them underfed and in generally poor health. A 7-hour standoff ended when the woman emerged from the home covered with cat feces and was tasered several times by a police officer who has since been suspended for allegedly soliciting sex from a teenage drunk driver. We’re not clear on the details at this point, but somehow the woman managed to elude police and carjacked a van loaded with illegal immigrants. She then proceeded to lead police on a wild high-speed chase on Valley freeways, apparently unconcerned about gas prices, which remain at record high levels, with ozone in the unhealthy range for the fourth day in a row. The chase came to an abrupt halt when the woman swerved to avoid a puppy duct-taped to the highway, drove the van into a flooded wash and had to be rescued by a helicopter. One witness at the scene told our camera crew that it was the most exciting thing he had seen since Suns guard Steve Nash’s high-octane performance against the San Antonio Spurs in Friday night’s NBA semifinals. The 12-day old puppy was rescued by police and taken to a local animal shelter, where he remains in guarded condition. This is Generic Reporter, reporting live from northwest Phoenix.
Generic Anchorwoman: That’s quite a story, Generic Reporter. Do we know anything more tonight about the fate of that puppy?
Generic Reporter: Well, Generic Anchorwoman, police officials tell us that the puppy had sustained several superficial stab wound and both his ears had been cut off, but it looks like he’s going to make a full recovery, and already the shelter has received 1,648 calls from people wanting to adopt the little fellow.
Generic Anchorwoman: That’s wonderful Generic Reporter-- we certainly wish the little guy the best. He’s so cute!
Generic Anchorman: Well, you probably wouldn’t cut the ears off a puppy, but how about your own ears? That’s exactly what many Valley residents are doing. A new form of plastic surgery called hyperplastic ear reduction, or HER, promises to erase years from your appearance by removing up to 60 percent of your ears. But is this new procedure the Fountain of Youth or just another scheme to prey on the elderly? Our Investigators report on the latest trend in cosmetic surgery when we return.
Generic Weatherperson: And if you think that Paris Hilton is hot, just wait till you see what’s in store for our weather the next seven days. I’ll tell you just how bad it’s going to be—and we’ll check in on this week’s “Just Kill Us Now, Bellis”…after the break.
(Currently this product is only available for the Phoenix, AZ metropolitan area, but we hope to add other cities soon. Stay tuned for details.)
posted by James Dandy at 4:37 PM
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