Extinct flying things rediscovered
Recently a bird thought to have been extinct for over half a century, the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, was spotted in the Big Woods of Arkansas, just hanging out and doing a little pecking (Extinct woodpecker rediscovered). The discovery was greeted with a florid display of emotional excess by some, such as ornithologists Tim Gallagher and Bobby Harrison:
"When we finished our notes," Gallagher said, "Bobby sat down on a log, put his face in his hands and began to sob, saying, 'I saw an ivory-bill. I saw an ivory-bill.'" Gallagher said he was too choked with emotion to speak. "Just to think this bird made it into the 21st century gives me chills. It's like a funeral shroud has been pulled back, giving us a glimpse of a living bird, rising Lazarus-like from the grave," he said.
Others found the news something of an embarrassment, including the ad agency that came up with the slogan "Extinction is Forever" and the Bush Administration, which had frequently--but as it turns out erroneously--cited the Ivory-Bill as an example of the headway being made in the War Against Wildlife. Despite this setback, a White House spokesman vowed that the campaign would continue until the confusing diversity of species now extant was reduced to "something a little more manageable."
Now that the wily woodpecker's hideout has been discovered, most high-level government officials feel that it is only a matter of time until it is captured or killed, or both. To that end, thousands of loggers have been deployed to the region, and are working around the clock. Already the Big Woods of Arkansas has been downgraded to the Fair-to-middlin-sized Woods of Arkansas, and is shrinking fast. Total clear-cutting is expected to be achieved before the end of the year. At that point, specially trained NRA Death Squads will be sent into the region to mop up any remaining pockets of woodpeckers that were able to survive the habitat destruction phase of the operation.
"Oh, once we've cleared out this undergrowth we'll get that little peckerwood soon enough," the President explained in a televised news conference. "He can fly, but he can't hide."
Unfortunately, not every story has such a happy ending. The following account describes a tragic encounter with another of our feathered foes, and clearly illustrates the threat that these extraneous species pose to our way of life.
The Lesser Catenary, long though to be extinct, has been rediscovered in a remote part of Louisiana some 400 years after the last confirmed U.S. sighting, chimera experts said Thursday.
"This is huge. Just huge," said Franklin Stein, senior chimerologist at the Aubonbon Society. "It's like finding Elvis."
However, according to anonymous sources, Mr. Stein has never actually found Elvis, so he really has no idea what that would be like. Under further questioning and a little light torture he broke down and admitted that his previous statement had been "a load of crap."
The chimera was discovered accidentally by two guys who had become lost deep in the swamp after neither of them was willing to ask directions at the little gas station up the road. This is how one of the men, Duane McAllister, described the experience:
"When we finished our Moon Pies," McAllister said, "Billy sat down on a log, put his face in his hands and began to sob, saying, 'I saw a catenary. I saw a catenary.' McAllister said he was so choked with emotion he almost peed his pants. "I was thinking 'Jesus Christ, what is that thing?' I didn't care for the way it was looking at us, not one little bit. I told Billy that I thought we ought to get the hell out of there, but he just kept blubbering. Right about then, I heard this big screech and I looked up and it was coming right at us, so I started running back down the path. I tripped on a tree root--just like the girls always do in those horror movies--and fell out into some kudzu. I guess that probably saved my life, cause about then I heard screaming and when I looked back that damned bird, or whatever the hell that thing is, had eviscerated Billy. It was horrible! I just lay there thinking that it'd be coming for me next, but after it had finished eating Billy, it started in on our beer. I waited till it was stumbling drunk and hightailed it out of there--it took me two days to find my way back to town. Man, every time I think about it it gives me chills. What that bird did to Billy was unspeakably horrific. Somebody ought to go out there and shoot the friggin' thing, but I tell you what, it sure as hell ain't gonna be me!"
"When we finished our notes," Gallagher said, "Bobby sat down on a log, put his face in his hands and began to sob, saying, 'I saw an ivory-bill. I saw an ivory-bill.'" Gallagher said he was too choked with emotion to speak. "Just to think this bird made it into the 21st century gives me chills. It's like a funeral shroud has been pulled back, giving us a glimpse of a living bird, rising Lazarus-like from the grave," he said.
Others found the news something of an embarrassment, including the ad agency that came up with the slogan "Extinction is Forever" and the Bush Administration, which had frequently--but as it turns out erroneously--cited the Ivory-Bill as an example of the headway being made in the War Against Wildlife. Despite this setback, a White House spokesman vowed that the campaign would continue until the confusing diversity of species now extant was reduced to "something a little more manageable."
Now that the wily woodpecker's hideout has been discovered, most high-level government officials feel that it is only a matter of time until it is captured or killed, or both. To that end, thousands of loggers have been deployed to the region, and are working around the clock. Already the Big Woods of Arkansas has been downgraded to the Fair-to-middlin-sized Woods of Arkansas, and is shrinking fast. Total clear-cutting is expected to be achieved before the end of the year. At that point, specially trained NRA Death Squads will be sent into the region to mop up any remaining pockets of woodpeckers that were able to survive the habitat destruction phase of the operation.
"Oh, once we've cleared out this undergrowth we'll get that little peckerwood soon enough," the President explained in a televised news conference. "He can fly, but he can't hide."
Unfortunately, not every story has such a happy ending. The following account describes a tragic encounter with another of our feathered foes, and clearly illustrates the threat that these extraneous species pose to our way of life.
The Lesser Catenary, long though to be extinct, has been rediscovered in a remote part of Louisiana some 400 years after the last confirmed U.S. sighting, chimera experts said Thursday.
"This is huge. Just huge," said Franklin Stein, senior chimerologist at the Aubonbon Society. "It's like finding Elvis."
However, according to anonymous sources, Mr. Stein has never actually found Elvis, so he really has no idea what that would be like. Under further questioning and a little light torture he broke down and admitted that his previous statement had been "a load of crap."
The chimera was discovered accidentally by two guys who had become lost deep in the swamp after neither of them was willing to ask directions at the little gas station up the road. This is how one of the men, Duane McAllister, described the experience:
"When we finished our Moon Pies," McAllister said, "Billy sat down on a log, put his face in his hands and began to sob, saying, 'I saw a catenary. I saw a catenary.' McAllister said he was so choked with emotion he almost peed his pants. "I was thinking 'Jesus Christ, what is that thing?' I didn't care for the way it was looking at us, not one little bit. I told Billy that I thought we ought to get the hell out of there, but he just kept blubbering. Right about then, I heard this big screech and I looked up and it was coming right at us, so I started running back down the path. I tripped on a tree root--just like the girls always do in those horror movies--and fell out into some kudzu. I guess that probably saved my life, cause about then I heard screaming and when I looked back that damned bird, or whatever the hell that thing is, had eviscerated Billy. It was horrible! I just lay there thinking that it'd be coming for me next, but after it had finished eating Billy, it started in on our beer. I waited till it was stumbling drunk and hightailed it out of there--it took me two days to find my way back to town. Man, every time I think about it it gives me chills. What that bird did to Billy was unspeakably horrific. Somebody ought to go out there and shoot the friggin' thing, but I tell you what, it sure as hell ain't gonna be me!"
posted by James Dandy at 2:48 PM
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