Coming sooner -- the end of the world
An ancient calendar recently discovered at an archaeological site in Central Arizona indicates that the end of the world -- which many people believe will occur in 2012 -- may be coming a bit sooner than expected. Stratigraphic dating shows that the calendar, which covers the period 2007-2009, was apparently buried by an eruption of intra-office memos sometime around November of 2007. Among the many artifacts associated with the calendar were half of a petrified bagel and those darned scissors I've been looking everywhere for.
The calendar cycle covers the years 2007, 2008 and 2009 before abruptly ending at the date December 31, 2009. Beyond that point there is only a highly detailed map of the Time Zones & Area Codes of the U.S. and Canada, indicating that these ancient seers also possessed a sophisticated knowledge of astronomy, geography and the telephonic sciences.
Experts in the field of apocalyptic predictions are taking this find very seriously. Dr. Heinrich Inkhorne of the Institute for the Dissemination of Semi-Baked Balderdash points out that so far the calendar has accurately predicted every holiday that occurred during the period, even such relatively obscure ones as "Administrative Professionals Day" and the birthday of Benito Juarez. The calendar-makers even foresaw the aberrant behavior of the month of February 2008, when a whole additional day suddenly appeared out of nowhere at the end of the month.
Noted theologian and self-help guru Rev. Jim has this advice for people struggling to cope with the unexpected end of days: "The best thing for people to do is to go on living their lives as normally as possible -- max out your credit cards, stop paying your mortgage, things like that. Oh, and there's no need to worry about getting around to registering for spring semester, or having the doctor take a look at that weird mole."
The calendar in situ (lower center)
The calendar cycle covers the years 2007, 2008 and 2009 before abruptly ending at the date December 31, 2009. Beyond that point there is only a highly detailed map of the Time Zones & Area Codes of the U.S. and Canada, indicating that these ancient seers also possessed a sophisticated knowledge of astronomy, geography and the telephonic sciences.
The long count ends on December 31, 2009
Experts in the field of apocalyptic predictions are taking this find very seriously. Dr. Heinrich Inkhorne of the Institute for the Dissemination of Semi-Baked Balderdash points out that so far the calendar has accurately predicted every holiday that occurred during the period, even such relatively obscure ones as "Administrative Professionals Day" and the birthday of Benito Juarez. The calendar-makers even foresaw the aberrant behavior of the month of February 2008, when a whole additional day suddenly appeared out of nowhere at the end of the month.
Noted theologian and self-help guru Rev. Jim has this advice for people struggling to cope with the unexpected end of days: "The best thing for people to do is to go on living their lives as normally as possible -- max out your credit cards, stop paying your mortgage, things like that. Oh, and there's no need to worry about getting around to registering for spring semester, or having the doctor take a look at that weird mole."
posted by James Dandy at 2:22 PM
1 comments
