Obama Refudiates Death Panels, Declares War on Anger

In an unscheduled press conference earlier today in the Rose Garden, President Obama unveiled a controversial proposal to attempt to ameliorate the persistent and widely-reported anger of the American people. The full text of his speech follows:

"The American people are angry. If there's one thing that we all can agree on -- Democrats and Republicans alike -- it is that: Americans are angry. Whole-heartedly, vociferously, flamboyantly angry. In fact, in a recent poll conducted by a major news organization, more than 85 percent of people surveyed indicated that they were 'Very Angry' or 'Somewhat Angry.' Only 2 percent -- 2 percent -- of respondents said that they were 'Not At All Angry,' and almost all of those also reported that they were 'Heavily Medicated.' As I watch this level of anger continue to rise, I have become increasingly concerned. I fear that if we do not address this problem quickly and decisively, it may threaten to derail our fragile economic recovery, and overwhelm our health care system.

It is well established in the medical literature that uncontrolled anger constitutes an independent risk factor for heart disease and stroke, and likely contributes to undesirable outcomes in a number of other medical conditions. And I think we can all agree that when people are angry they tend to make very poor decisions, and to pose a threat to themselves and others. It is for this reason that I have decided to ask Congress to amend the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2010 to eliminate the provisions establishing my Death Panels and instead use those funds to create a network of free Anger Management Clinics throughout the country, to help people deal with their negative feelings and hopefully find more constructive ways to express themselves.

As you know, I have been very committed to the concept of the Death Panels, and feel that they present a valuable opportunity to reduce our skyrocketing health care costs by eliminating the very old and infirm, who consume a disproportionate share of our nation's medical resources. However, I have had to weigh this against the economic damage which would surely result from lost productivity should I be forced to declare a national 'Time-Out.' But make no mistake: If it comes to that, I will not hesitate to use my executive authority to send folks to sit quietly in a chair in the corner of the room for as long as it takes for them to calm down and learn to play nicely with others. I only hope and pray that such drastic measures do not become necessary.

So I call upon Congress to join me in this effort by moving quickly to enact this urgently needed legislation. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America."